Last Thursday, May 17, 2012.... one of the worst days of my life. I lost my Mom.  She watched Jay Leno with my Dad, went to sleep, and never woke up. I have told quite a few people that I would rather deal with my shock, my sadness... my horror, than to think of her passing as a relief for all involved due to some long drawn-out illness. Because the one word that can describe my Mom is "vibrant." I would never want to think of her in any other way. 
She had a lust of life, for learning, for living, for being the best woman she could be. Her legacy is all she's done, all she's created... that includes her four children. The ones along with her husband (my amazing Dad) who gathered around and used each of our strengths to get through this hellish weekend. Barbara was the caretaker, Peg was the enforcer, Bob provided the memories through his A/V prowess, and I did my best to organize and make decisions... but each one of us did help each other with each of these arenas. After all, we had to do all this, but as importantly, we had to grieve... we still need to grieve. We've each lost a part of who we are... one of our pillars on which we've built our lives just disappeared like that. We have to find a new way to balance, or as I've coined it, the "new normal."
I had my moments where I lost it completely. The first and, so far, the strongest was went I got home after hearing the news. I am so thankful that Peg just happened to be staying with me and that she was there. If she hadn't, I would have been alone with no one to help me. She is my sister, one of my best friends. I love her so much. 
My Tony came home not too much later.... a true testament to having such a amazing man in my life is the one who knew that all the emotions of having lost his mother years ago would come flooding back, but kept that at bay for my sake. I'm not a selfish person, but I needed, and still need his strength and he's given it to me with so much love. He saw the worst breakdown he's ever seen from me and held on and helped.
My family hasn't been the most functional in its history. We have our disagreements, we have our pasts with each other. But this made us realize we have to put these things behind us. We are each who we are and we have differences, but we are still family. Stop the bickering and just accept the differences. Celebrate them in fact... it's what Mom wanted all along.
I'm rambling. (I'm aloud to do this, it is the name for this page after all. :) The editor in me will whittle this down, correct it and make it more suitable for publication. 
The headline of this entry says "So this is what it feels like..." What I meant by that is that I know many friends, acquaintances, and family members who have lost a parent. I always told them that I was so sorry to hear of their loss and that I can only imagine how they feel. Well now, I don't have to imagine, I know how it feels. And yes, it sucks.   

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